Dirty (2007)


1. Can’t Let Go
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

The hum and drum of tweedle dum is getting’ me down
I wanna face the day, wipe up that silly frown
I’ve had my share and I don’t care
I’m givin’ it up, I’m gonna face the day
If you can’t see what all this means
Maybe you Can’t Let Go … and it’s time to hit the road

We can get so very serious It can be oppressive sometimes
Why do people get so furious With just a few dirty-ass rhymes?

(You can’t take this away from me We have the right to get dirty)
… dirty, dirty birdy …
that’s what I’m talkin’ about you muthafuckin’ bitch …
If you can’t see what all this means
Maybe you Can’t Let Go …
Let go, let go, let go …

2. Check Your Stool
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

Come on, everybody and gather round
I’m about to spit some medium brown
‘Cause that’s the way it goes when you’re in the know about stool,
Yeah, I said it!

Your stool is cool so let’s go to school
Get a little lesson and a couple of rules
Don’t be a fool just stay right there
‘Cause I’m about to getcha’ square!

When you drop your kids off at the pool,
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Do it for yourself, do it for your health!
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Is it pencil thin or a perfect ten?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Did you get a clean break or did you make a mistake?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Does it look like a pellet even though you can’t smell it?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Is it soft and smelly, grey or yelly?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL

The color of cardboard, consistency of toothpaste
That’s what your lookin’ for, that’s what you wanna ace
4 to 8 inches is all you need,
smooth, easy pinches are fine indeed

Don’t you sweat it now, don’t forget it but
Every time you flush you need to check it
And if it looks bad, don’t get sad
Get yourself a check up and be glad you had!

When you drop your kids off at the pool,
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Do it for yourself, do it for your health!
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Is it pencil thin or a perfect ten?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Did you get a clean break or did you make a mistake?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Does it look like a pellet even though you can’t smell it?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL
Is it soft and smelly, grey or yelly?
CHECK YOUR STOOL, CHECK YOUR STOOL

3. Dingleberry Blues
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

I was at the bar, I met a man who was fuckin’ hot!
He took me into his nice apartment in Cheesman Park after we got drunk.
He said, “You can do whatever you want to me, whatever you want to me.”
So I did, ‘Cause I was drunk and I wanted to fuck.
I sucked on his dick. I sucked on his cock, oooh! And it was good. So I said,
“Come on baby, come on baby, let me fuck ya baby.” And he said,
“Alright but you’re gonna have to eat me out. Lick on my asshole for awhile.”
I said, “Okay. I’ll do it this once even though I think it’s sick
It’s totally gross. You can get lots of diseases that way.”
So I ate him out the best I could. Till I felt something in my mouth.
A round, little thing that tasted funny. Tasted like a Dingleberry.
And it was. I spit it out. I said, “I have to go. This is too much for me
I cannot eat a Dingleberry, so goodbye.”
I woke up the next day, Hatin’ myself for life.

4. Dirty Spanish
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

Mi pinchi hoto! Mi po qita panochita trasera
Necessito ocho poulgaddas in mi boca Y mi nalgas Al mismo tiempo
Aora!

Lo siento mi biscochito, la la la
Necissito monteqia para mi susio panocha Mamalas depido
Mi pinchi hoto

Mi po qita panochita trasera
Necessito ocho poulgaddas in mi boca Y mi nalgas Al mismo tiempo
Aora! Mi pinchi hoto

5. Hot Spray
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

I was on the greatest date of my life With this guy who was totally hot!
Then he asked me a little question. It made me so nervous and sick I almost threw up!
And I said, “Oh – did you – what – were you talkin’ to me?
What did you say, could you repeat the question?”

“Are you ready for some HOT SPRAY Stinging your face? Hey, come on,
Let’s get this party on. So whaddaya say?”
“Well, could you get me another beer? Like three of ‘em?”

I was so confused, my Lord! I didn’t know what to do so I drank the night away.
Then I had to pee so bad that I could hardly stand up or walk away.

And I said, finally: “Ok. I can barely keep my eyes open right now but um
I think I’m finally ready for you to repeat the question.”

“Are you ready for some HOT SPRAY Stinging your face? Hey, come on,
Let’s get this party on. So whaddaya say?”

“Well, ok. Ok. this, alright … Umm… that’s really cool and all I’m sure you can pee on me or whatever but I really have to go to the bathroom right now, so I’m actually going to ask you the same question and hope you’ll say yes really fast.”

“Are you ready for some HOT SPRAY Stinging your face? Hey, come on,
Let’s get this party on. So whaddaya say?”

6. I’m the H.B.I.C.
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

You know I’m on to your muthafuckin’ ways And I am done with your shit talkin’ face
(from my mind it is you I erase you’re gonna be easy to fully replace)
I saw you talkin’ to that girl the other day – I know exactly what you think you’re gonna say
you’re gonna quickly get down on your knees – You’re gonna do whatever it is that pleases me
So will you wipe off that sheepish fuckin’ grin? (get real close so you can listen)

It’s time to pack up your shit We had some fun while it lasted But last it surely didn’t
You had one on me till you finally got caught And now it’s time you gave it all completely up
You thought you were livin’ so large. Baby, I’m the head bitch in charge

You think I’m fuckin’ around? You won’t get no more of this money
No more of this fuckalishus body
As far as I’m concerned you and you a bitch ass face just got burned
Say goodbye to this, fucked up bitch.
I should have stopped having sex with you AFTER we broke up
But I didn’t wanna stop getting’ a taste of that nasty dick deep inside me.
Come on gells, come on m’gells. Let’s jam, gells!

It’s time to pack up your shit We had some fun while it lasted But last it surely didn’t
You had one on me till you finally got caught And now it’s time you gave it all completely up
You thought you were livin’ so large. Baby, I’m the head bitch in charge

7. Let’s Jam, Gells!
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

So, I was enjoying myself a nice earl grey tea …On an international level …
And this gell, comes up to me and says, “Hey guys, I’d really like to fart with you.”

I could tell she had some kind of drugs in her system. Her pupils were like the size of dimes.
I said, “Come on gells, come on m’gells. You wanna fart with me on an international level?”

She said, “Hey guys! Come on, guys! This isn’t funny anymore.
Are you guys gonna fart with me or what?
I wanna do it with someone else, not just alone.”

And I said, “Come on, m’gells. You wanna fart with me on an international level?”
So I thought about it for awhiles. I let it sit in me thinker. Do I really wanna stinker?”

Let’s Jam, Gells! Come on, M’Gells! Let’s Jam, Gells! Come on, M’Gells!
You wanna fart with me on an international level? Let’s Jam, Gells!

8.  Most Guys Have Balls
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

Most Guys Have Balls, Some are big and some are small
Guys either have One or two or none at all
I have never heard of three But I wouldn’t put it past me

Some balls ain’t right Some are loose and some are tight
And don’t you know One sits high and one hangs low
Some are hairy to and fro – Some are shaved and good to go

Imagine if Twenty guys are in a room
The total is No more than 40 balls of bliss
Some will make you wanna kiss, Some will make you really sick

But either way, Balls are surely here to stay
So get relaxed Or they’ll shrivel up and pass
And they’ll stay that way for good, Until you gently coo them.

Most Guys Have Balls, Some are big and some are small
Guys either have One or two or none at all
I have never heard of three But I wouldn’t put it past me 

9.  Period Smoothie
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

I can’t believe you gave me a Period Smoothie
For the second time you tricked me again
I know we’re such good friends, But that’s where I draw the line

How were you able to do this? How much planning?
I refuse to drink of you. I’m sorry, but never again!

Hopefully this the last time I drink the whole thing
Before I figure it out.
I just love smoothies so much, but what you did was cruel.

10.  S.T.F.U.
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

All I’m really askin’ for Is a little peace and quiet
Do you think it’s far too much To ask if you could shut the fuck up?

Ok, this is how the shit is gonna go down, I have to look at your ass every day I come to work And all I ever hear is bullshit coming out of your mouth. I don’t wanna know how much more pain you go through. I don’t wanna know about your trivial fuckin’ life, Just shut the fuck up, Just shut the fuck up, Just shut the S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to hear you right now!

All I’m really askin’ for Is a little peace and quiet
Do you think it’s far too much To ask if you could shut the fuck up?

I’m real sorry to hear that the essence of your personal life is a pile of shit But that doesn’t mean you have to go dragging everyone through it. Give me a fuckin’ break and settle yourself down. Isn’t there something you could be doing right now? Just shut the fuck up Just shut the fuck up Just shut the S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to hear you right now!

All I’m really askin’ for Is a little peace and quiet
Do you think it’s far too much To ask if you could shut the fuck up?

Shut the fuck up now! Shut the fuck up now! S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U.
Shut the fuck up now, goddamnit!

Shut the fuck up now! Shut the fuck up now! S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U. S.T.F.U.
Shut the fuck up now, goddamnit!

All I’m really askin’ for Is a little peace and quiet
Do you think it’s far too much To ask if you could shut the fuck up?

11.  Save Your Diarrhea for Me
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

You’re the love of my life, you know, That’s a fact that we can’t deny
You’ve been pukin’ from both of your ends And I hope that you will comply
My desires are simple enough and all that I ask Is of you
To save a cup of your waste for me so that I can drink your hershey squirts

Won’t you Save Your Diarrhea For Me? I’m the only one who will drink it
So don’t you think about flushin’ it
Save Your Diarrhea For Me I’m the only who will drink it
So don’t you think about flushin’ it away!

All that I can do is fantasize about Putting it in the microwave
Heat it up for 20 minutes so it is nice and hot With plenty of flavor …
It would be just like I’m drinkin’ it straight from your stomach And your sickly bowels
No one else could ever dream of this so I Hope you don’t think I’m fowl

Won’t you Save Your Diarrhea For Me? I’m the only one who will drink it
So don’t you think about flushin’ it
Save Your Diarrhea For Me I’m the only who will drink it
So don’t you think about flushin’ it away!

Won’t you Save Your Diarrhea For Me? I’m the only one who will drink it
So don’t you think about flushin’ it
Save Your Diarrhea For Me I’m the only who will drink it
So don’t you think about flushin’ it away!

12.  The Shocker Song
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

What do you do when you’re feelin’ so blue And you don’t really feel so well?
What do you do when you’re stuck in a mood And you honestly feel like hell?
Listen to me, ‘cause I’ve been there before and I know how to settle the score.
Pull up a seat ‘cause I gotta sweet treat – You just follow this recipe:

You get two in the pinky, One in the stinky, That’s a shocker for sure
So if you want something kinky, Have a little drinky and get on all fours!
It’s a shocker, my dear, You have nothing to fear! Get on your hands and knees and I’ll show you what
Pleasure is like: You’ll feel much better in time!

Ok, now just get yourself relaxed and let me just … There we go! How’s that sweety? Yeah! You’re getting’ the hang of it, I think! Just a little more work! There you go, sweety! Next time you should try this with someone who’s not gay! I’m just your friend, so, don’t be getting any ideas here. Just helping out. Gee, I sure wish I could have one of these myself. I think about it a lot actually. God I would kill for something like this. Lucky! Thank your lucky stars!

You get two in the pinky, One in the stinky, That’s a shocker for sure
So if you want something kinky, Have a little drinky and get on all fours!
It’s a shocker, my dear, You have nothing to fear! Get on your hands and knees and I’ll show you what
Pleasure is like: You’ll feel much better in time!

You get two in the pinky, One in the stinky, That’s a shocker for sure
So if you want something kinky, Have a little drinky and get on all fours!
It’s a shocker, my dear, You have nothing to fear! Get on your hands and knees and I’ll show you what
Pleasure is like: You’ll feel much better in time!

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