My Big Phat Gay Musical (2009)

Download My Big Phat Gay Musical (2014 Libretto) by John Paul Sharp


Listen to the soundtrack on Spotify for free!


Watch the 2009 performance.

1. Gut Feeling
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

Something big is comin’ my way; I can feel it in my gut.
Something big will happen today, Something real, but I don’t know what.
Will I be lucky that I came to work? Will I be wishin’ that I stayed in bed?
Either way, I’ll see it to the end. I will pray to God to give me strength

I have had this feelin’ before, so I know I’ll be okay.
Keep my head up, heart open wide and be true to who I am.
I know the world is full of shit and flies,
I know how often it comes with surprise,
But I’m a fighter and I like to fight!
I like to gamble when the money’s right!
And I can guarantee a real good time-

So, Lord, keep an eye on me today.
Help me keep my mouth in check!
Let me keep my job for one, more, day
One more day of this might kill me,
But I know it’s for the best!
And so, I pray to you, oh Lord, for strength!
And I will do the rest to the best of my ability! Woah!

Something huge is headed for me, I can feel it in my bones!
I don’t know if I’m ready or not, but I feel I’m good to go!
It feels like an earthquake, It trembles with heartache,
It is something I cannot control
This is something that has gotten a hold of me
It’s not easy, but I know it’s up to me to sort it out!

2. Instant Cash
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by LeighAnn Gould, John Paul Sharp, and Stephanie Zissimos

LA: You’re a singer. You even write a song or three.
And I just know you’re going places you have always dreamed about .. uh-wa-oh!

JPS: You’re an actress. You also sing and dance and write.
And I just know it’s only time before you make you’re big break!
‘Cause you got what it takes! Uh-wa-oh
But every time I think of quitting
Waiting tables it seems like there’s
Always something that comes up where
We need instant cash!

JPS & LA: And where else can you work
Where you can get some instant cash?
‘Cause we need instant cash right now!

JPS & LA (to Steph): You’re an angel
You get us through the tryin’ times!
And we don’t know what we would
Do if we lost you, our light,
That shines so bright. Woah!

STEPH: You guys are stupid and you forget that
You make like twice as much as me!
And you complain too much, get over it and have a good time!
‘Cause there’s a lot on the line! Like my good day!

JPS, LA & STEPH: But every time we think of quitting
Waiting tables it seems like there’s
Always something that comes up where
We need instant cash!
And where else can you work
Where you can get some instant cash?
Without taking our clothes off, or
Having sex, or Selling drugs?

JPS: I’m a singer.

STEPH: I’m a dancer.

LA: I’m an actress.

JPS & LA: And we can choose to be okay!

STEPH: You can do it, There is nothing to it!

JPS & LA: No matter what may come our way!

STEPH: That’s the spirit! Show me that you feel it!

JPS & LA: And we can choose to be okay!

STEPH: You can do it, There is nothing to it!
Just think of all the

STEPH, JPS & LA: money we’ll make!

STEPH: Hey, hey, hey, yeah, Just think of all that

STEPH, JPS & LA: money right now!

STEPH: Hey, hey, hey, yeah, Just think of all that

STEPH, JPS & LA: money right now!
No more to say! We’ll be okay!
Let us just get through the day! 

3. Dirty Spanish
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by John Paul Sharp and Stephanie Zissimos

STEPH & JP: Mi poqita panochita trasera
Necessito ocho poulgadas in mi boca
Y mi nalgas, al mizmo tiempo, aora!
Lo siento, mi biscochito, la la la
Necessito monteqia para mi susio panocha
Mmmm, mamalas de pito! Aora!
Mi poqita panochita trasera
Necessito ocho poulgadas in mi boca
Y mi nalgas, al mizmo tiempo, aora!

4. Most Guys Have Balls
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by LeighAnn Gould, John Paul Sharp, and Stephanie Zissimos

JPS: Most guys have balls!

STEPH: Some are big and some are small!

JPS: Guys either have!

STEPH: One or two or none at all! I have never heard of three!

JPS: But I wouldn’t put it past me.

STEPH: Some balls ain’t right!

JPS: Some are loose and some are tight. And don’t you know?

STEPH: One sits high and one hangs low!

JPS: Some are hairy to and fro!

STEPH: Some are shaved and good to go!

STEPH & JP: (CHEERING) INSTRUMENTAL DANCE BREAK!!

JPS: Imagine if twenty guys are in a room! The total is …

STEPH: No more than 40 balls of bliss!

JPS: Some will make you wanna kiss!

STEPH: Some will make you very sick! But either way, balls are surely here to stay!

JPS: So get relaxed, or they’ll shrivel up your ass.

STEPH: And they’ll stay that way for good.

JPS: Until you gently coo them.

JPS & STEPH: Come on, everybody!

STEPH/JPS: Most guys have balls
Some are big and some are small
Guys either have one or two or none at all
We have never heard of three, but I wouldn’t put it past me.

5. God, What a Bitch!
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by Jeffrey Alan Bennett, LeighAnn Gould, John Paul Sharp, and Stephanie Zissimos

JPS: I get to see this lady every single day!
She treats me like a piece of shit and that’s okay.
I just remember that I used to be that way.
But it still bugs me and I want to set her straight,
And I hesitate to say, What I really want to say!
But on a day like today, I might just do it any way!

God, what a bitch! What’s her fucking problem?
She makes me sick! Always gets her way!
She does what she wants to regardless of our feelings
She acts like her shit smells so much better!

Judge not, lest ye be judged is what I try to do.
I’ve tried to give this bitch a second chance or two!
But every time I think she’s gonna’ be less rude,
She fills me to the brim with all her attitude,
And I hesitate to say, What I really want to say!
But on a day like today, I might just do it anyway!

God, what a bitch! What’s her fucking problem?
She makes me sick! Always gets her way!
She does what she wants to
Regardless of our feelings
She acts like her shit is so much better!

CHORUS: Someday soon, she will learn,
She can do what she wants to do,
But if she keeps it up, surely someone will spit in her food!

God, what a bitch! What’s her fucking problem?
She makes me sick! Always gets her way!
She does what she wants to
Regardless of our feelings
She acts like her shit is so much better, but she’s just a bitch! 

6. Men ‘n Me
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

i’m not always so good for a laugh
i’ve got troubles like anyone has
but here’s my problem
I love the wrong men!
every good guy that settles my way
comes to hate me for all that I say
’cause I’m the mama and I’m the papa

it’s me, the one they run to every time
’cause i’m the one that bails them outta’ life
but I just wanna’ love
love and be loved back sometimes
that’s the trouble with men ‘n me

you know I can barely take it
you think you’ve found a lover who could be just as capable as a best friend
but surely enough – he’s nice, but stupid – like havin’ a kid all on your own
and i’m not lookin’ for that!

it’s me, the one they run to every time
’cause i’m the one that bails them outta’ life
but I just wanna’ love
love and be loved back sometimes
that’s the trouble with men ‘n me

7. I’m the Lunch Special
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by LeighAnn Gould, Stephanie Zissimos, and John Paul Sharp

JPS: We’re not known for our eggs, oh,
No one cares for our steaks, no way!
People come here ‘cause it’s cheap, oh,
And they get to see me, believe in me.

You’re a pain in my ass, oh,
Like a bad case of gas, oh yeah!
But it’s fine ‘cause I’m not mad, oh,
You’re the one who’s so sad, so sad!
You should just sit back and relax!

The menu may bore you to hell
But you can get over yourself,
‘Cause I’m the lunch special!
I’m here to serve you your food
So you don’t have to be rude,
‘Cause I’m the lunch special!

You ought to swallow your pride
And chew on me for awhile
You never know, oh, you might just smile!

INSTRUMENTAL STREAMER DANCE BREAK

The menu may bore you to hell
But you can get over yourself,
‘Cause I’m the lunch special!
I’m here to serve you your food
So you don’t have to be rude,
‘Cause I’m the lunch special!

You ought to swallow your pride
And chew on me for awhile
You never know, oh, you might just smile!

The menu may bore you to hell
But you can get over yourself,
‘Cause I’m the lunch special!
I’m here to serve you your food
So you don’t have to be rude,
‘Cause I’m the lunch special!

8.  Gay Sunshine
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by Kelly Kerr and John Paul Sharp

JPS: Here’s my number, you should call me when you get the time.
I must say you’re lookin’ pretty damn fine.
Let’s go for coffee or happy hour! So what do you think about that?

Something tells me that you might be into me and we
Seem to have ourselves a pretty good time.
And as of lately, I have needed that! Oh, what do you think about that?
What do you say about that?

My heart beats, yes I’m alive.
I’m nervous, just like you are!
And I’m still searchin’ for
A little ray of gay sunshine, I said,
A little ray, hey, of gay sunshine!

We don’t have to have sex! We could just be really great friends
Who like to make out and heavy pet! Oh, whoops! Did I just say that?
What do you say about that?

My heart beats, yes I’m alive.
I’m nervous, just like you are!
And I’m still searchin’ for
A little ray of gay sunshine, I said,
A little ray, hey, of gay sunshine!

9. Let Me Show You
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by LeighAnn Gould and Stephanie Zissimos

LA: I can be who you need me to be
And I can sing what you want me to sing
And I can dance like a flower in spring, If you’ll have me …

Let me show you the my joy and my pain
Let me show you I’ve got what it takes!
I will show you whatever you say, if you’ll have me …
You will see What I have in me! … What was I saying?

STEPH: Oh, my God. Can I go now?

I am sexy and so number one!
I’m exciting and ready for fun!
And I can give you a hell of a run, if you’ll have me!

Let me show you a leg here and there,
Let me show you my underwear!
I will show you I’m something to share, if you’ll have me!
If you’ll have me You will see What I have in me!
Whaddaya say! You guys want to see a preview of my show?
What? I can’t hear you! Okay, here we go! 1! 2! A 1! 2! 3! 4!

10. Masterpiece (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by Jeffrey Alan Bennett, John Crocket, Kirk Dugan, LeighAnn Gould, Kelly Kerr, John Paul Sharp, Sabrina Zirakzadeh, and Stephanie Zissimos

JPS:Time is like a river,

STEPH: It’s not on our side.

LA: It finds the path of least resistance,

CUSTOMER #1: It’s all in our minds.

SAVALA: Love encourages, Love inspires us

BITCH: To live our lives.

HOT GUY: Don’t forget to thank the people

OWNER: People who have built you up.

JPS: Don’t forget to thank yourself

ALL: For taking your canvas and coloring up.
Here’s to what we do, Here to all we do to love ourselves!
‘Cause we are a painting. Everything we say and do becomes a color.
Reds, greens, blues and yellows, and all that is called the in between,
You are a masterpiece.

BITCH: When things are lookin’ grey,

OWNER: Maybe there’s too much black and white.

CUSTOMER #1:It’s so easy to doubt yourself,

SAVALA: To think you don’t belong,

HOT GUY: Well you are wrong, my friend, you’re wrong!

ALL: You are no worse, no better, than the rest, you’re one of the best!
And we are a painting. Everything we say and do becomes a color!
Reds, greens, blues and yellows,
And all that is called the in between, You are a masterpiece.

JPS: There is nothing worse, when you neither laugh, nor cry!
Life ends once you decided you can’t create, so get out there and paint!

ALL: ‘Cause we are a painting. Everything we say and do becomes a color!
Reds, greens, blues and yellows, And all that is called the in between,
You are a masterpiece.

11. Gut Feeling (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp

Something big is comin’ my way; I can feel it in my gut.
Something big will happen today, Something real, but I don’t know what.
Will I be lucky that I came to work? Will I be wishin’ that I stayed in bed?
Either way, I’ll see it to the end. I will pray to God to give me strength

I have had this feelin’ before, so I know I’ll be okay.
Keep my head up, heart open wide and be true to who I am.
I know the world is full of shit and flies,
I know how often it comes with surprise,
But I’m a fighter and I like to fight!
I like to gamble when the money’s right!
And I can guarantee a real good time-

So, Lord, keep an eye on me today.
Help me keep my mouth in check!
Let me keep my job for one, more, day
One more day of this might kill me,
But I know it’s for the best!
And so, I pray to you, oh Lord, for strength!
And I will do the rest to the best of my ability! Woah!

Something huge is headed for me, I can feel it in my bones!
I don’t know if I’m ready or not, but I feel I’m good to go!
It feels like an earthquake, It trembles with heartache,
It is something I cannot control
This is something that has gotten a hold of me
It’s not easy, but I know it’s up to me to sort it out!

12. Instant Cash (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by LeighAnn Gould, John Paul Sharp, and Stephanie Zissimos

LA: You’re a singer. You even write a song or three.
And I just know you’re going places you have always dreamed about .. uh-wa-oh!

JPS: You’re an actress. You also sing and dance and write.
And I just know it’s only time before you make you’re big break!
‘Cause you got what it takes! Uh-wa-oh
But every time I think of quitting
Waiting tables it seems like there’s
Always something that comes up where
We need instant cash!

JPS & LA: And where else can you work
Where you can get some instant cash?
‘Cause we need instant cash right now!

JPS & LA (to Steph): You’re an angel
You get us through the tryin’ times!
And we don’t know what we would
Do if we lost you, our light,
That shines so bright. Woah!

STEPH: You guys are stupid and you forget that
You make like twice as much as me!
And you complain too much, get over it and have a good time!
‘Cause there’s a lot on the line! Like my good day!

JPS, LA & STEPH: But every time we think of quitting
Waiting tables it seems like there’s
Always something that comes up where
We need instant cash!
And where else can you work
Where you can get some instant cash?
Without taking our clothes off, or
Having sex, or Selling drugs?

JPS: I’m a singer.

STEPH: I’m a dancer.

LA: I’m an actress.

JPS & LA: And we can choose to be okay!

STEPH: You can do it, There is nothing to it!

JPS & LA: No matter what may come our way!

STEPH: That’s the spirit! Show me that you feel it!

JPS & LA: And we can choose to be okay!

STEPH: You can do it, There is nothing to it!
Just think of all the

STEPH, JPS & LA: money we’ll make!

STEPH: Hey, hey, hey, yeah, Just think of all that

STEPH, JPS & LA: money right now!

STEPH: Hey, hey, hey, yeah, Just think of all that

STEPH, JPS & LA: money right now!
No more to say! We’ll be okay!
Let us just get through the day!

13. Dirty Spanish (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by John Paul Sharp and Stephanie Zissimos

STEPH & JP: Mi poqita panochita trasera
Necessito ocho poulgadas in mi boca
Y mi nalgas, al mizmo tiempo, aora!
Lo siento, mi biscochito, la la la
Necessito monteqia para mi susio panocha
Mmmm, mamalas de pito! Aora!
Mi poqita panochita trasera
Necessito ocho poulgadas in mi boca
Y mi nalgas, al mizmo tiempo, aora! 

14. God, What a Bitch! (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by Jeffrey Alan Bennett, LeighAnn Gould, John Paul Sharp, and Stephanie Zissimos

JPS: I get to see this lady every single day!
She treats me like a piece of shit and that’s okay.
I just remember that I used to be that way.
But it still bugs me and I want to set her straight,
And I hesitate to say, What I really want to say!
But on a day like today, I might just do it any way!

God, what a bitch! What’s her fucking problem?
She makes me sick! Always gets her way!
She does what she wants to regardless of our feelings
She acts like her shit smells so much better!

Judge not, lest ye be judged is what I try to do.
I’ve tried to give this bitch a second chance or two!
But every time I think she’s gonna’ be less rude,
She fills me to the brim with all her attitude,
And I hesitate to say, What I really want to say!
But on a day like today, I might just do it anyway!

God, what a bitch! What’s her fucking problem?
She makes me sick! Always gets her way!
She does what she wants to
Regardless of our feelings
She acts like her shit is so much better!

CHORUS: Someday soon, she will learn,
She can do what she wants to do,
But if she keeps it up, surely someone will spit in her food!

God, what a bitch! What’s her fucking problem?
She makes me sick! Always gets her way!
She does what she wants to
Regardless of our feelings
She acts like her shit is so much better, but she’s just a bitch!

15.  Gay Sunshine (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by Kelly Kerr and John Paul Sharp

JPS: Here’s my number, you should call me when you get the time.
I must say you’re lookin’ pretty damn fine.
Let’s go for coffee or happy hour! So what do you think about that?

Something tells me that you might be into me and we
Seem to have ourselves a pretty good time.
And as of lately, I have needed that! Oh, what do you think about that?
What do you say about that?

My heart beats, yes I’m alive.
I’m nervous, just like you are!
And I’m still searchin’ for
A little ray of gay sunshine, I said,
A little ray, hey, of gay sunshine!

We don’t have to have sex! We could just be really great friends
Who like to make out and heavy pet! Oh, whoops! Did I just say that?
What do you say about that?

My heart beats, yes I’m alive.
I’m nervous, just like you are!
And I’m still searchin’ for
A little ray of gay sunshine, I said,
A little ray, hey, of gay sunshine!

16. Let Me Show You (LIVE)
Music and Lyrics by John Paul Sharp
Vocals by LeighAnn Gould and Stephanie Zissimos

LA: I can be who you need me to be
And I can sing what you want me to sing
And I can dance like a flower in spring, If you’ll have me …

Let me show you the my joy and my pain
Let me show you I’ve got what it takes!
I will show you whatever you say, if you’ll have me …
You will see What I have in me! … What was I saying?

STEPH: Oh, my God. Can I go now?

I am sexy and so number one!
I’m exciting and ready for fun!
And I can give you a hell of a run, if you’ll have me!

Let me show you a leg here and there,
Let me show you my underwear!
I will show you I’m something to share, if you’ll have me!
If you’ll have me You will see What I have in me!
Whaddaya say! You guys want to see a preview of my show?
What? I can’t hear you! Okay, here we go! 1! 2! A 1! 2! 3! 4!

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