Break the cycle of negative thinking by not uttering those thoughts aloud. This is my mantra this week.

For mindfulness, this week I have been focusing on noticing my thoughts. My mind runs at a million miles an hour, so I knew this one was going to be tricky. Just like the universe likes to do, I definitely was presented with real life opportunities to look at myself this week.

My largest struggle into my adult life has been getting into trouble by saying something I shouldn’t have said. I have a lot of shame and self-negative thoughts around my inability to control my self-expression when I need to most.

I realized this week that it is my privilege as a white person which has allowed me to go on for so long being unable to control how I express myself. People of color have to worry about this every single day of their lives. I became so accustomed to being worried about how I’m being treated as an effeminate queer man that I stopped taking the time to fully grasp the level of privilege I have.

It connected this week that I still struggle to be a strategic communicator because I have gotten away with being sloppy my whole life. I’ve gotten into trouble, but haven’t had to face dire consequences like a person of color likely would. Talking “off the top of my head” has been of great use to me as an entertainer and performer, but when that bleeds out into my regular life, it usually damages my relationships with others.

Where does my negative thinking patterns and general distrust of most situations come from? My trauma and abandonment issues probably have a lot to do with it. In my mind, I’m trying to find the worst-case scenario so I can have some kind of control over it. But what happens is I begin to vocalize my distrust, and, therefore, have unwittingly manifested the very fear into reality.

My goal is to wear some kind of a wristband, so that when I do have a negative thought, I can catch myself by lightly snapping my wrist. Hopefully I can do that before verbalizing such negative thoughts. The idea is that I can break the cycle of negative thinking by not manifesting these fears with my speech. This way, I can take as much time as I need to process those negative thoughts and do something productive with them. By not having uttered my negativity, I am not faced with the additional challenge of damage control, or the shame and self-loathing which comes when I have lost control of my expression.

As I continue to meditate, I will focus on clearing my thoughts. I will work to expand the silent moments in my mind and see how long I can drag them out.

Next week, it’s all about routines and I can’t wait because I’ve been wanting to get a hold of this aspect of living for a very long time. My life is stable now, so I have all the tools I need to establish some solid routines. Wish me luck!