This week, I’ve been managing anger issues. I’ve been moving through the angry stage of being single again. The feelings of focus, contentment, and happiness have long been gone, but the idea of them some how being taken from me has made me, quite simply, angry.
I’ve allowed myself to feel it. I’ve acknowledged it with friends who are checking in on me. I’m not angry at him (most of the time), I’m angry at the situation itself and how tragically and abruptly it all ended. Through embracing my anger, I was able to achieve more clarity about what the actual relationship was.
Much of time, people have the opportunity to discuss these things, during and after a break up. Other times, people are simply left to their own minds and experiences, cut off from communication completely. That’s the case for me this time around, which is different because I’ve mostly always kept in communication with a man, even during and after a break up. But this one, I’ve been left to my own thoughts. This has contributed to my anger, making me seriously question all the good times we shared, wanting to think it was all based on lies. The truth of the matter is that the good was good and the bad was bad and some of it was genuine and some of it wasn’t. Basically, with everything in life, it’s a stew of “all of the above.”
It was timely that Valentine’s Day happened this week and it only added fuel to the fire of my heart and mind. However, through continued reflection and my embracing of my anger, I was able to move past it. I’m still a little angry, but not like I was earlier this week.
I realized how derailed I’d become with the stupid dating apps and constantly thinking about events of the past. Through my mindfulness work, I’ve been pulling myself to the present more than I would have previously and it’s showing me that I’m still investing a ton of thought and emotion into a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to give me any energy or communication.
It doesn’t matter what happened. It’s gone. It’s done. There’s no more room for thinking of that person in the future. And a bunch of unhealthy men on the dating apps aren’t going to fill any voids I’ve got right now. No, what I need to do is fill those voids by centering myself and refocusing on my goals with music and making a good home through cooking and cleaning.
The vision I worked so hard to create in November and December seems to have crumbled in the face of my recently being single and being enrolled in an intensive school program online. I need to take all this time to regroup and figure out what the heck I want to do with my life.
I haven’t been completely derailed, but I have been busy. I performed last Saturday and I’m performing again on Sunday. I’ve got to get through school, which I’m doing. I’m looking into buying new cookware after doing my taxes. I’m trying to conceptualize a new business for myself around cannabis food products. There’s plenty to do and it is up to me and the discipline of my mind and heart to focus on all these positive things I’m working on.
What’s in the past is in the past and for me to spend any more time giving it energy is to do myself a disservice. The dating apps are not helping and so I’m going to limit my use of them.
My choice is to create my life forward. Time to get back to my white board and see what kind of magic I can come up with to really make this year shine. My anger had its time. I’ve already done been sad. Now is the time to look ahead and keep learning how to live the actual moment before me.